I lose control but I win myself.

2018 will end soon. I’m thinking what I’ve learned and been learning this year, in earlier 2018 I turned to be a 20-year-old young lady, I’ve graduated, I’ve gotten a job, and I’m self-fully-funding financially. I never thought it would be so fast, but if I turned back at that time, I would keep choosing this way.

I am a youngest, and I am the one and only daughter at home. However, my mom never treats me as “a youngest and little daughter” in social stereotypes. She brings me up become an independent and brave girl. I am grateful with the way she raised her children. It shapes me as “me” today and also helps me to solve any problem in my life. Particularly this year, I felt the last 11 months I faced various of life stage that makes me more patient and wiser than before.

I lose control of myself for almost 11 months. I became a procrastinator. Any problem I’ve faced has crashed all my day. I couldn’t do another thing and even accomplish my duty because the problem which actually could be a simple to be solved. And my biggest enemies for the last 11 months were trust issue, self-insecurity, overthinking, and over-judging. I only focused on the mistakes that my co-worker did. So, it made me insecure and didn’t trust on them. I did all things by my own, but I’ve realized it only made me fucking tired. I forgot that we are as human being, we are learning by mistake, I can’t demand all perfectly. It made me change my point of view of someone else, instead focusing on the flaws, we can focus on the goods of us. We can utilize our own skills.

Then, when it ended. God never makes His chosen-people being lazy. There was a problem one step higher. I was very overthinking and over-judging on something and someone else. It bothered me all the time. When I did a mistake, I could think “how could it be?” over and over and over again. I couldn’t work professionally, and it’s worse. It kept going almost 3 months. Long short story, I found someone new whom I really care about. He doesn’t a man. He is my little boy. He's my student, my child as well. When it’s about him, it’s over. He wins my heart. Mother can do everything to his child. But I ask more. I demand more. It’s good when we found someone that we can share the goods and the loves, but when we depend on the person, it’s totally a mistake. We know that we can’t fully rely on human. I demanded the feedback. That was the point. When I didn’t get the feedback, I felt broken.

I learn that we can’t expect the feedback. We only need to put the right hand on top without putting expressly the left hand under. My feeling is more peaceful when I give without demanding. By this, I will never ever regret being kind.

11 months is not short. It’s really long time, the sadness and the insecurities kept coming day by day, it’s getting worse time by time till I found the way to overcome and control my own ego. Also, I can’t stand by myself. I need my family and my closest friends to support me, and this time I threw away my ego to say “I can handle it by myself” where I actually need stimulus and support. Friends, even when we possibly can-do things on our own, we still need the acknowledgement to pull us stronger than we own. And the most helpful is self-talk. Before I go to work or right before I meet people, I always say to myself that I’m enough, I’m a happiest person, everyone needs the positive energy from me, I am proud of being me, I can help others, everyone has given the best for me so I have to give the best for them, and never forget to say “I’m beautiful with who I am”. Powerful. Meaningful. Grateful.  

So, these are the lists what I’ve learned about myself this year:

1.   Only focusing the goods on someone.

2.   We can’t force others to be what we want, and we can’t force ourselves to be what people want. Everyone has her/his own role and authority in life.

3.   Human needs one for another, but we can’t fully rely on someone, human is a place to make a mistake. So, we have to forgive them to make us more peaceful mentally and physically.  

4.   Never expect the feedback. Just be kind. We give to help not to earn.

5.   Self-talk to build the positive energy for a better day and a better personality. 

Noted, it would never be a short process. All the process and the progress can't be explained by only 2 pages of word doc. It takes time. We need time to realize something can be a lesson. We need time to analyze something can be meaningful. And we need time to pacify ourselves. I repeat, feeling peaceful mentally and physically. I hope you get the lesson from reading this and also from the things you experience this year.

I can’t more feel being grateful than this. The emotional experience that taught me many things in life. At first I thought I lose my control, but at the end I win myself. Once again, I hope you can improve yourself for a better 2019. Thank you for willing to read.