I lose control but I win myself.

2018 will end soon. I’m thinking what I’ve learned and been learning this year, in earlier 2018 I turned to be a 20-year-old young lady, I’ve graduated, I’ve gotten a job, and I’m self-fully-funding financially. I never thought it would be so fast, but if I turned back at that time, I would keep choosing this way.

I am a youngest, and I am the one and only daughter at home. However, my mom never treats me as “a youngest and little daughter” in social stereotypes. She brings me up become an independent and brave girl. I am grateful with the way she raised her children. It shapes me as “me” today and also helps me to solve any problem in my life. Particularly this year, I felt the last 11 months I faced various of life stage that makes me more patient and wiser than before.

I lose control of myself for almost 11 months. I became a procrastinator. Any problem I’ve faced has crashed all my day. I couldn’t do another thing and even accomplish my duty because the problem which actually could be a simple to be solved. And my biggest enemies for the last 11 months were trust issue, self-insecurity, overthinking, and over-judging. I only focused on the mistakes that my co-worker did. So, it made me insecure and didn’t trust on them. I did all things by my own, but I’ve realized it only made me fucking tired. I forgot that we are as human being, we are learning by mistake, I can’t demand all perfectly. It made me change my point of view of someone else, instead focusing on the flaws, we can focus on the goods of us. We can utilize our own skills.

Then, when it ended. God never makes His chosen-people being lazy. There was a problem one step higher. I was very overthinking and over-judging on something and someone else. It bothered me all the time. When I did a mistake, I could think “how could it be?” over and over and over again. I couldn’t work professionally, and it’s worse. It kept going almost 3 months. Long short story, I found someone new whom I really care about. He doesn’t a man. He is my little boy. He's my student, my child as well. When it’s about him, it’s over. He wins my heart. Mother can do everything to his child. But I ask more. I demand more. It’s good when we found someone that we can share the goods and the loves, but when we depend on the person, it’s totally a mistake. We know that we can’t fully rely on human. I demanded the feedback. That was the point. When I didn’t get the feedback, I felt broken.

I learn that we can’t expect the feedback. We only need to put the right hand on top without putting expressly the left hand under. My feeling is more peaceful when I give without demanding. By this, I will never ever regret being kind.

11 months is not short. It’s really long time, the sadness and the insecurities kept coming day by day, it’s getting worse time by time till I found the way to overcome and control my own ego. Also, I can’t stand by myself. I need my family and my closest friends to support me, and this time I threw away my ego to say “I can handle it by myself” where I actually need stimulus and support. Friends, even when we possibly can-do things on our own, we still need the acknowledgement to pull us stronger than we own. And the most helpful is self-talk. Before I go to work or right before I meet people, I always say to myself that I’m enough, I’m a happiest person, everyone needs the positive energy from me, I am proud of being me, I can help others, everyone has given the best for me so I have to give the best for them, and never forget to say “I’m beautiful with who I am”. Powerful. Meaningful. Grateful.  

So, these are the lists what I’ve learned about myself this year:

1.   Only focusing the goods on someone.

2.   We can’t force others to be what we want, and we can’t force ourselves to be what people want. Everyone has her/his own role and authority in life.

3.   Human needs one for another, but we can’t fully rely on someone, human is a place to make a mistake. So, we have to forgive them to make us more peaceful mentally and physically.  

4.   Never expect the feedback. Just be kind. We give to help not to earn.

5.   Self-talk to build the positive energy for a better day and a better personality. 

Noted, it would never be a short process. All the process and the progress can't be explained by only 2 pages of word doc. It takes time. We need time to realize something can be a lesson. We need time to analyze something can be meaningful. And we need time to pacify ourselves. I repeat, feeling peaceful mentally and physically. I hope you get the lesson from reading this and also from the things you experience this year.

I can’t more feel being grateful than this. The emotional experience that taught me many things in life. At first I thought I lose my control, but at the end I win myself. Once again, I hope you can improve yourself for a better 2019. Thank you for willing to read.

“SELF IMPROVEMENT”

Being a better introvert and a better person for a better change

2 years ago, I decided to improve my comfort zone. I don’t get out from my comfort zone, but there are many things can be improved IF I WANT TO CHANGE FOR BETTER. 

I’m going to tell you, how I was before. 2 years ago, I was Student College that had to involve group projects WHICH I HATED SO MUCH. I hated group projects and I hated attending events. I didn’t hate the project or being cooperative, it would be so fun if all people could be cooperative and didn’t rely on other people, what i HATE; there are always people who rely on other people, such as an excuse not to accomplish the project together. So that’s the reason why I hated group projects. I prefer doing by myself, it would be perfect on my own, and I could do the best and pressed myself without feeling guilty due to over pressure. 

However, I was Student College.

There were no excuses, just because I hate it, I couldn’t let it go. I had to do group projects, no matter what.  Believe or not, 3 years had been a Student College, I never involved such events as camp, classmate gathering, or junior-senior gathering. I never wanted to be in crowd, just for having fun or talking topics that I had no interest within. I could understand if that was seminar, I would attend it because I needed that. 

Beside as “a student college”

I am an introvert; 

You can guess at first I think

Many stereotypes people think of introvert,

1.  Introvert is anti-social just because we avoid people;

2.  Introvert is shy;

3.  Introvert can’t be a leader;

4.  Introvert can’t be a center;

5. Introvert is lonely. When actually we have books and movies and of course the comfortable bed.

I struggled with extroverts, the situation, and the stereotypes. The struggles are true, and aren’t gone. But, 2 years ago, when I decided to improve myself, I made notes how should I be in crowd, and how should I do. 

 WHY DO I WANT TO IMPROVE MYSELF?

WHAT MAKES ME FOR SURE TO DO A GREAT CHANGE?

Because,

I’m sick of hearing those stereotypes.

I’m sick of letting people judge me.

I’m sick of seeing the situation as if I couldn’t do anything when I really want to SAY what I think of SOME ISSUES, and DO the changes.

I’m sick of pretending that I AM OK when IT IS NOT OK.

I’m sick of people who have SICK MINDSET such as NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, HUMILIATING, JUDGING THE APPEARANCE, and I CANT let it be just because I DON’T want to talk to them.

And

I don’t want to be someone who always being isolated by introverts stereotypes; I believe that those stereotypes can be confuted.

So,

What the real do I struggle when I want to CHANGE BETTER and how do I overcome my habitual as introvert (at least little bit solution)?

1.  I DIDN'T start the conversation first, not because of shy, it is because I prefer being quiet, it means I don’t want to know about that person beside me or around me. And I know that was selfish.

AND IF I HAD TO INSIST MYSELF TO START FIRST, I WOULD OVERTHINK OF THE FIRST QUESTION SHOULD I ASK. “DOES THE QUESTION WON’T BE ANNOYING? DO THEY WANT TO BE ASKED?” And then, I be silent for a moment and I didn’t ask anything.

Because I never did that; I accustomed NOT TO start the conversation first, so I confused what question should I ask. I would initiate conversation if I needed something to ask, or the conversation would be long time if they start first and we have same interest topic. I CAN BE TALKATIVE; seriously, I can be talkative when I am in a small group who has same interest, with extrovert or introvert, as long as we’re not talking for the birds.

However, I was selfish, I can enjoy when people ask me, but why did I feel that I don’t need to ask people’s doing? At least…don’t let the question stopped on you, asking them back!

I made notes, what question to appreciate people around you,

a.  What’s your name? Oh, come on dude. If the person is your classmate, or your partner at work, you are so mean asking that question.

b.  GOOD MORNING! When you come to office, and there are people who came early than you, try to say GOOD MORNING! I prefer saying “assalamualaikum” that’s supposed to Muslim.

c.  How are you? How have you been? It sounds like old fashion, but it is important to appreciate others presence.

d.  And the most important is, asking them back when they start those question first, answer them “I’m good, how about u?” “It’s been a long time after we met at last time, I’m really good, how about u?” 

That stimulus is really good to make the situation BETTER.

2.  Sorry if it sounds too confidents, but I tend to be a leader in every group project. It proves the stereotype “introverts can’t be a leader” is wrong. The biggest proof that proves it’s wrong, you have to know Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Marissa Mayer and you can google it to know more. They are successful not because they took for granted as “introvert” who like being silent. They think BIG and CAREFULLY, and utilize their silent to make BIG thing in their life. SO DO I, AND SO DO YOU. Leadership can appear in introverts and extroverts. It is just about “do we want to be or not to be?”

However, there’s something wrong, the reason why did I always want to be a leader, I COULDN’T TRUST anyone in my group. By time, I reflected myself when I had a best group; I admit that I just felt insecure. Then, I learn to TRUST my group if I WANT the best result, even actually my ego said that I CAN DO THIS BY MYSELF. Encouraging, supporting, cooperating, and being open-mind. Leader is not someone who can give order by arbitrarily due to the perfectionist ego; leader is someone who encourages, supports, and trusts the members that they can do the best; it will give positivity to the group! If I was in a group that had no desire to do the project well, I was as a leader should encourage and persuade them, not pressure them by arbitrarily.

 ANYONE CAN BE A LEADER, INTROVERTS AND EXTROVERTS.

THE MORE IMPORTANT IS BEING LEADER FOR YOURSELF,

DON’T LET THE NEGATIVITY LEADS YOU.

3.  I DON’T avoid people. I AVOID the negative vibes; why do I say the negative vibes? You know human being, there is bad and good. I’m not saying that I’m good, but I hate the waste conversation. Humiliating, comparing, insulting, criticizing what shouldn’t be criticized, flirting (typical of me don’t want to talk about flirting or couple (unmarried), because it tickles me), gossiping anyone who doesn’t relate to my life, and many more. Those are tiring. The people make it more badly. That’s why books, movies, and comfortable bed are my favorites. HOWEVER, just reading a book, watching Netflix, and laying on bed make me don’t understand them, what, why, and how they make the negativity spreads their brain and makes the world more worse.

I JUST JUDGED THEM. I JUST LET THEM BE. I DID NOTHING.

Like what I said before, I’m sick of seeing the situation as if I CAN’T DO ANYTHING.

Then, how I change it? How I spread the positivity?

HOWEVER, if I want to solve those issues, and make them SHUT UP, I have to understand many perspectives which are many ideas within; by that I won’t be a person who judges anything in one side. So, sometimes we need to KNOW the negative vibes; where it goes, why it goes, what makes it goes, how it goes on human brain, and me, myself, want to minimize those negative issues and break them, at least, for my surroundings.

I give you example; body shaming, I picture out why people do body shaming, what the part of body that will be shamed, how body shaming goes on their neuron. When I KNOW the reason, I DO PROBLEM SOLVING, and I SHARE IT to MY FRIENDS. I’m against them by making a campaign “TO LOVE YOURSELF”. You know, we can make them shut up not by shouting them by worse words.

 That’s how you can change the negativity to be the positivity.

 You can’t just feel bothered.

 You must have solution.

4.  I have problem with SPEAKING in front of people. I spoke unclearly and it made me not confidents, it was not because I couldn’t or I was shy, but it was because of my thoughts. When my lips told you about the point t, my brain went to the point z, and it’s a F. It relates to point 3, when I wanted to make a campaign, I knew what I wanted to speak up, but I don’t know where should I start? And how? As I realized, I’m not a speaker by nature. You know what, when I decided to make a first positive campaign video on Instagram, I had to write and arrange the sentences. FYI, I took 3 to 4 hours just for making a minute video. That what I was really struggling when I wanted to make first move. Then, I found the solution; write first what you want to speak up, make it clear, and arrange it, then practice in front of mirror! Repeat! So, now I can minimize the time to make a video and sometimes when I have to speak up immediately in front of a forum, I can just write the point and I speak up as if a speaker by nature. Ha ha ha. However, there’s still a point that I hold up; I prefer be silent if it is not valuable. I am a silent by nature, of course. But, by learning this, I can be more confidents to speak up and stand up for me and others if there is something wrong around.

Finally, in my 17 – 19yo, when I was Student College and now I am 20, and I have graduated, I have been doing some improvements in my life. It started from my insecure and my desire to change better.

When I tried to do those things above, sometimes I wanted to give up, because my changes didn’t mean anything at first, I even wanted to isolate myself because people around me didn’t accept the ideas what I spoke up, I had a rejection every I did a positive campaign, I was called hyperbole when I came up with my first video on Instagram, you watched that, right? (please watch and support me) 

After 2 years, with every struggle I had. I did it, and I will do that further.

So,

What have I achieved by the changes I made?

1.  I make friends;

2.  I know how to appreciate other’s presence;

3.  I decided to always spread worth ideas;

4.  I contribute myself for world changing;

5.  I’m more wise to perceive any kind of problem;

6.  I’m more confidents standing in front of people;

7.  I join communities to social event (which before I hated attending events);

8.  I earn money! It starts from they know me as a translator and a tutor, many people offer me a job. I felt that I was a rich student college who could go to KFC twice a week. HAHAHA. Not really, I’m joking. I still love tempe mendoan (re; cheap snacks but tasty);

9.  I can express my ideas wherever; and what I really thankful, I can spread the loves and goods and it comes back to me. I feel that.

    What you can get from this? I prove that whatever personality we are, we can improve ourselves. There are always many things CAN BE IMPROVED. The 1st thing you need to start this is “DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT OR NOT?” Don’t be stress because every struggle you have in life. UNDERSTAND them and SOLVE them. You, yourself, who know the best how to overcome your problem.

 

Those all don’t change me as the introvert to the extrovert just because I can make friends. It never be. I’m still an introvert who prefers being in home 24hours even 96hours if there is free time; it is the only way to charge my energy. We just prefer over think and over analyze something should be done and not, something should be spoken and not. It doesn’t matter you are introvert and extrovert; it is about preference and privacy. World needs introvert and extrovert, world needs different preferences to balance the society. The most important, world needs positive vibes from human kind, whether introverts or extroverts.

21/02/2018

Jihan,

Who wants to be your friend